Date – 29th February 2020
I have never been in a relationship nor dated anyone till now. I am single, and one of the reason is I am afraid of intimacy, maybe it would sound weird to many but its a bitter truth of my life. When someone tries to come close to me, I freak out. I feel so objectified, and a means to an end but not the end.
Let me try and make everyone here understand:
I happen to go through it sometime back, and it was the worst nightmare a girl could ever experience. “A touch that she never asked for… A touch that is Wierd… ” I fled after suffering an evening where a stranger so casually threatened me, my mind and heart did not allow and somehow I escaped. Now I am continually thinking about that moment which I can never forget in my life.
This happened some time ago, even with a couple of years behind me, the thought of it makes me feel just as uneasy, uncomfortable, and unimportant. I’ve spent years coping, alone, with the feeling of a man’s hands on my body with or without my permission. I have spent countless nights thinking. I’ve debated back and forth in my mind a hundred times wondering what is wrong with me, what I could have done stop it, and if I somehow had brought it on myself. Because of all this, I could never enjoy even with my friends. There is that constant fear of saving myself from that touch which ruined everything for me.
I now find myself withdrawing and pulling away from smart, intelligent men that pose no threat to me. I catch myself wondering if every man I talk to is just thinking about having his way with me. I question the motive of every man.
When I think about the man I am supposed to be with, I’m haunted by having to explain to him why I am so apprehensive about intimacy — socially, emotionally, and physically. Talking about it makes me feel dirty like I did something wrong.
I will need a man to be patient and know that at the first sign of a real connection, I will pull away. I will need him to know that sharing a bed is a terrifying thought to me. I will need someone who can understand that what happened is something I can’t forget and it is a part of me, my story, and always will be. That someone will have to give me time and understand and cope up with it till I come to terms with myself. Will I ever get someone like this?
I am a smart, funny, caring woman with so much to offer. I am tolerant, sensitive, and appreciative. I care about others and myself. I strive to make this world a better place. I expect from a man who can see all of these things in me. I deserve love and respect. But will I find someone will all of these?
And while I may not be there yet, deep down I know that I am worthy of that love, respect, and happiness.
I also want to live a normal life like my friends who are so in love that they cannot stop having a touch of their loved one. I also want to live without fear in my mind of having someone close.
Will I ever be able to do that?